Quand le ciel bas et lourd...

She is sitting on the sand just to my right looking over her shoulder at me. I can tell by the way she bites her lip that she has a question, and I can tell by the smile creeping at the corners of her mouth that she already knows the answer. I have played this game before with her and know that I am going to lose. No matter what trepidation I feel about that, the sparkle in her eyes make me still want to play. “Why do you always look at me like that?” she asks playfully.

“Like what?” I reply, as innocently as a man on death row.

“Like you have something to say,” she says, “but you always remain silent.”

I do remain silent as I think about what she has asked me and continue to look into her eyes because they are what attract me so; they are what enthrall me completely. In her eyes I can see universes being born and destroyed. I always find myself lost within her eyes.

“I don't know what you mean” I say, while still considering an answer. I know that there is an answer to her question and know that she deserves it but I do not know quite how to express it yet.

“I think you do know what I mean,” she says. “I think you know exactly what you're doing and why you do it. I just want you to tell me.”

I smile and break my stare away from her eyes, and glancing down the sand instead, listen to the waves crash. “I always want to tell you how beautiful you are, but I know you won’t believe me.” It isn't completely true but it is close enough and I know that it will make her drop the issue.

She laughs and calls me an idiot before pinning me to the ground the ground with a kiss. It is a dream I hope I never forget.

I awake in a crimson haze, remembering only laughter. The events of my life are faded in memory, and I know nothing for certain. I know not who I am, or what has happened. The leaves and dirt stay stuck to my clothes and skin as I stand up, and I stumble slightly at the sudden pain in my side. I try to lift my shirt to see what the cause is, but it's held to my flesh by the blade that still protrudes from me. I clench down tightly on the nearest branch and pull the knife from my body, tearing open the wound anew, and coursing pain through my nerves, like the blood in my veins. I begin to apply pressure when the memory of laughter strikes me as sharply as the pain in my side. I stand up fast and look around as if it had come from somewhere else. There is nothing to see but trees, and nothing to hear but birds and insects. I don't know where I am or how I got here, but I know I cannot stay. The sun is still high in the sky, so I began to walk west. Maybe by nightfall I will escape from this forest. Then I can begin to find out what happened. Then I can understand the laughter.

Dementia leads me down a hall of heads to an unmarked chamber behind a non-descript door. She holds my hand in hers, gently, as though mine are the stained glass windows at Notre Dame, fragile and beautiful. Without a word I am directed to the only chair in the room, a simple stool lacking any emblem or defining marks. Without asking I know that I am to sit in that chair and wait. She smiles softly at me, a smile expressing unrequited love and sorrow, as she backs out of the room and closes the door behind her. The moment I hear the latch I know it will never open on any room that contains her again. I am left sitting, alone, in the center of the room, with just the dim pink light of dusk glowing from some indeterminable location. Silence leads to fear, fear to anger, anger to resignation, resignation to sadness, sadness to calm, and calm to peace. It is when I smile for a love that no soul can bear alone that the walls do disappear.

I am the bearer of light. I am the heir to the throne of heaven. I am the leader of the Seraphim on the final day. I am the trumpet calling for eternity. I am the brightest star in the dim gray of dusk. I am an apocalyptic revelation. I am immanentizing the eschaton. The future that I foresee is yours to behold. My will is your desire. My heart is your hope. My eyes show you fire. My words teach you to drown. I am the one who frees you from your chains in your cave. Your soul once arisen may never return to the mortal shell. You will be my student. I will place the universe in your mind. In your hand time will preserve every moment. And you will love me.

Eris, I beseech you, stay your hand, tarry a moment! Allow me this one simple taste of perfection! Prove wrong my cynical predictions. Prove wrong my future fears and experienced insecurities. Hold back the apple and preserve this moment in the eyes of Pallas. Allow me this once, for a lifetime of mockery have you dealt me. Too long has your will decided my fate! Too often have you been the guide of my arrow. Release me from your bonds, allow me to see the light of truth and beauty. If you will not release me to Athena, banish me to the blue depths instead, so as Neptune may decide my fate!