I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
Penemue 
So, recently, our editor came to us butchers here, and asked for a list of our favorite dance songs. I told him to shove the idea up his ass, but he didn’t pay any mind, and one of my fellow butchers, José-Ariel Cuevas, broke from his usual poetic brilliance to compile and present us a three-part list of his favorite dance music. Then DMZ presented a short selection of tracks in his trademark stream-of-unconsciousness style. I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this Ariel, but half of the stuff on your lists is utter shite. It’s not your fault though, really. You are just suffering from the same delusion as a large percentage of the population. I am in no way sorry to tell you, DMZ, that Jamiriquai is unequivocal garbage that should never be played anywhere, ever.
You see, what is referred to as “dance music” isn’t actually music at all. It’s just shit, and it’s bad for you. It’s a horrible noise that’s more obnoxious, offensive, and obtrusive than the noises produced by a manufacturing plant (and at least the manufacturing plant also produces a useful product). It infects your ears, and insinuates itself into your brain like a neural virus. It causes your body to twitch and jerk along with it. So while you have deluded yourselves into thinking that you are dancing, in reality you have a seizure. This is a serious medical emergency and should not be taken lightly. If you, or anyone else in your vicinity is suffering from this condition, you should immediately turn off the offending noise, and destroy all copies for the good of humanity. For God sakes people, think of the children!
Now, this isn’t to say that all dancing is bad. It can be done as fine art, such as at the Paris Ballet, or in movies a la Gene Kelley and the Blues Brothers. It can be done in the club, like the DNA in San Francisco or The Blank Club in San Jose, or even for fun, like while singing in the shower (but please, for the love of Christ, stop doing it while driving!). It doesn’t have to be done to a specific style of music either, though the style may alter the type of dancing you do, it just has to have some emotional backing to it.
With this idea in mind, I’ve compiled three lists of my own, categorized by the type of emotional reasoning they give to your dancing: Anger, Romance, and Pure Fun. I really don’t care if you agree or not, because I’m right. Moshing is a form of dance, and if you pussies don’t like it, keep your whiny asses out of the pit. The songs in the romance list are the kind that you think will help you get laid; the kind of songs that made your Junior High dance chaperones shove a balloon between you and Sally Rottencrotch. I’m not talking about that goddamn Bodyguard Soundtrack bullshit either. The Pure Fun list basically just covers the rest. That’s the music that just makes you want to move your body and shake your booty because it’s just so good, not because some self-loathing, sadistic, insidious DJ is infecting your brain with intellect-destroying viral noise. These are not necessarily the best songs in each category, nor my favorites, but merely a varied selection to help your small minds try and grasp what I’m telling you. So, without any further ado, here are some songs to get you started on the path to good, healthy nights of cathartic dancing!
Anger:
Metallica – Master of Puppets
Pennywise – Perfect People
Hank Williams III – Dick In Dixie
Pantera – Walk
Slayer – Worldwide Hate
Tool – Hooker With a Penis
Lamb of God – Omerta
Combichrist – Shut Up and Swallow
Suicidal Tendencies – I Shot the Devil
The Offspring – Bad Habit
Romance:
Al Green – Let’s Stay Together
The Beatles – Something
The Cure – Just Like Heaven
Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get it On
The Doors – Crystal Ship
Guns ‘N’ Roses – Patience
Goo Goo Dolls – Iris
Lifehouse – Hanging By a Moment
Motley Crue – Home Sweet Home
NOFX – Together on the Sand
Pure Fun:
Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire
Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out
The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I Go
The Who – The Kids Are Alright
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Elvis Presley – Blue Suede Shoes
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy – You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three
Le Tigre – Decepticon
Love and Rockets – So Alive
Puddle of Mudd – She Hates Me
Reader Comments (4)
"Why you wanna playa-hate on me!?!"
I went to Cactus club to mosh.
I went to Usual to dance and pick up girls.
I went to 1015 to shake my head while too high to function.
There's a level of respect involved in all of this.
I could walk into a mosh pit right now, in a suit, get hurt, and call a lawyer.
I could walk into a club, try to pick up girls, and just end up being old.
I could walk into 1015.. and...
Let the rest of the world have fun. Because if you've already been there.. someone else hasn't.
Suck. A. Dick.
@Penemue: Great post!
@Pickle: I do miss me some Cactus Club.
The common thread between all of these clubs? CRAIGY!!!
I know none of your anger songs.
I know a few of your romance songs.
I know most of your just for fun songs.
Telling...