Rapping Jews

The very first time I took my little sister out in San Francisco made me very
aware of just how fucked up my view of reality is. [FULL DISCLOSURE.. this was just
the first time I took my sister out and realized she had no grasp of my plush lifestyle]

I had the whole day off.

We started at Red's Corner. Just to make this intro really easy to understand,
I'll sum it up this way...

"Hello little sister... this is"...

Black man 1, 2, 3...
Jew 1, 2, 3...
White guy 1, 2, 3..
Black man 1, 2...

Anyhow...

Towards the end of the night, we walked up to the front door of a Jazz club in
my hood and Jimmy.. a 6'5 brother (in his 40's) in a suit who looks like he
could kill me in 3 seconds. I introduce him to my sister. "Jimmy... this is my
sister. If you've got a younger brother anything like you, I'd LOVE to set him
up on a date with her..."

My sister is in shock and ultimately tells me, in private... "I thought you
hated Jews and ..."....

[I was such a bad rapper that I actually sat at a table at my favorite coffee shop and had the entire group of black women sitting with me convince someone at another table not to kick my ass while I went to take a piss. Really. That bad of a rapper. Seriously..]

SUCH IS THE LIFE OF A POLISH.. JEWISH... GANGSTAH RAPPAH....

We have a time machine. 20 years ago...

Like all Plafrican Americans, I grew up listening to N.W.A... I bought my
Raiders cap and jacket (via allowance). I was tough. I was pimp. I actually had
to ask someone was a posse was. So.. like all suburban white kids, I learned
how to rap. Kinda. A Raiders jacket, saying "yo momma" a lot, and having one of
my friends shove me back into the car as soon as I said something really really
stupid was more like it.

But all of a sudden... I felt a rush.. *scratch*.. and the plight of MY people
needed to be felt... *scratch*... well, the plight of someone needed to be...
*scratch*... *BEATBOX*...

I WEAR POLYESTHER... I WALK WITH A LIMP...

I had something to talk about. I had a message....

I TAKE OFF MY YAMAKA.. YOUR GIRLIE TAKES OFF HER BRA...

I... became... a gangster rapper.

[Goofy, white, glasses, listening to Eazy-E... no.. really.. it was that bad]

We got a crew together. It was Jerry K (Jewish; lawyer), Slinky Slava (Jewish;
accountant).. it is kinda funny how everyone in the "crew" actually fell into
the stereotype, but anyhow... We had a group of people together, everyone of
them a Jew (and then me.. Jew via osmosis).

CUZ I'M JEW LIKE THAT.. I'M HE-BREW LIKE THAT...

Our crew had to represent. We had to be Kosher. We had to like Kielbasa (because
sausage is fucking awesome).. and we had to be together. Kinda like.. Oh shit.
So we were the Kosher Kielbasa Krew. The worst acronym that ever existed for a
rap group. Everyone in the band had someone killed in a concentration camp,
beaten to death, and the lives of their immediate family were destroyed by evil
in recent memory. Yet our acronym was [not willing to say it... you know what
it is].. oh that was horrible.

So we got a hold of pictures from one of their hate zines and re-used it. White
pointy hoods.. (with yamakas)... surrounded by stars of david and sausages. We
took the acronym back.

I SPIN... HER SHOES GET WET.. AND NOW SHE NEEDS TO LIGHT.. A NEW CIGARETTE...

So our gang went to Marshall's, got white t-shirts, and a bunch of iron-on
bubble letters (as well as the fuzzy ones that are squarish..) and came up with
the following ways to take the J in JEW back...

BOOTY JEWS... (jews = juice)
PIMP JEWS... (jews = juice)

If this were today, we would also come up with...

WHAT JEW TALKING ABOUT?.. (JEW = YOU)
WHAT JEW TALKIN BOUT.. (see.. TALKIN=TALKING, ABOUT=BOUT, cool eh?)
JEW KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.. (JEW = YOU)
JAMBA JEWS.. (JEW = JUICE)
GET JEW ME A BEER... (uhmm.. nevermind).

...

Bring me a microphone...
Bring me a topic...
I'll be able to make things happen.

...

Back in the day it was a dream to have a group of friends together. It was more of a dream to have a rap group together and have the ability to put together a few tracks. Having the opportunity to get in front of the [soon-to-be-famous local bands] at random venues and spit a few lyrics was one of the best experiences of my life.

Having the confidence to show up in a Minivan in a ghetto club when you're the only white guy there and the MC scratches the microphone on purpose when you are introduced... [everyone in the crowd gives the "kill whitey" look]...

.. and then freestyling (while nearly pissing your pants).. and totally destroying one of the locals expecting an easy pass on the first round...

Everyone in the crowd instantly shows you some respect. Because you can go on for a few verses.. include the color of his hat.. incorporate his last diss on you.. and, you are creative on the microphone.

...

As a last word, and in all seriousness... calling someone a Jew isn't offensive. If you think it is, you have a fucked up view of reality. Saying the N-word, even academically, IS offensive. Listening to NPR recently, I heard it said over and over again as part of academia.

So...

I GO TO KFC.. ORDER A BIG BUCKET OF CHICKEN...
ANY GIRLS AROUND THAT I CAN STICK MY DICK IN?
OH SNAP I'M SO FUCKING FRESH...
BURN THE MICROPHONE LIKE DAVE KORESH...